It’s been quiet lately. Partly due to holidays I’m sure, but it seems more magnified by solitude. I’ve got no shortage of friends to call or people to see, but this is deeper I think. This is waking up and wondering if life is in motion or is it standing still. It’s the silence of asking yourself “what next?” and not having an answer ready.

It’s been a long year for me, and for most everyone I know. Personally I feel worn out, even physically heavy from all the effort and uncertainty. Taking this week off is a double-edged sword: as necessity and yet a self-limiting activity that keeps some of the anxiety going until the New Year begins.

I have to admit having an irrational level of hope that 2011 is better, as everyone hopes. But even as a stubborn optimist I can’t help feeling tightness in the chest when I look at what it will take to dig out. It’s not much and yet there seems a never-ending slide from beneath the feet. It could be, and has been, far worse, I know. But that doesn’t spare me the low feelings.

The metaphor lately is summed up by my now tortuous radio in the van. At first it seemed frustrating that it stopped working. Then it seemed inevitable that it would work in Tape mode without any tapes to play. Now it’s just teasing me… it plays for 10-20 seconds when I first turn the ignition, then back to silent Tape mode again. It’s highly uncool, but so it is.

Previous posts in this series:

• The Good, The Bad
• From The Heart
• Does Anyone Really See Me?
• Keeping Perspective
• Showers at the Natatorium
• Achieving Homelessness