The late local comedian Rap Reiplinger has a skit called “The Aloha Spirit Hotel” where a first-time tourist to Hawaii ends up in the care of a local bellhop. Unfamiliar with Hawaii or the hotel he’s staying at, the tourist gets exploited by the bellhop who tricks him into giving him money in exchange for a detailed warning about purported paranormal activities other guests have experienced.

According to the bellhop, tourists who booked oceanview rooms ended up later in mountain-facing rooms. Other guests fell victim to a hotel maid who fixed the bed – while they were still in it.

“And whatever you do, don’t take the circle island bus tour,” the bellhop says gravely after a long litany of terrifying descriptions.

“Why not?” wonders the tourist, alarmed.

“Because no matter which direction you head, you always end up … at the pineapple cannery.”

The skit is funny because it demonstrates how a chain of ordinary events or everyday things – administrative error by the front desk, overzealous custodial staff, a predictable bus route – can be spun by an entertaining storyteller as somehow nefarious, ghastly and terrifying.

What is no joke, however, is how in recent years people here in Hawaii have been spreading wild rumors and conspiracy theories in the midst of major controversies or state crises. Perhaps you’ve heard a couple of them?

During the Thirty Meter Telescope standoff, many locals not familiar with the technology or the proposed facility were terrified to hear rumors that the telescope was nuclear-powered. 

The actual telescope was designed to use conventionally generated electricity just like everything else here in Hawaii. But it seems clear that whoever created the “nuclear” tall tale did so with a malicious intent to prey upon local cultural sensitivities about sacred sites or fears about radiation, which made that conspiracy theory a clever device for disinformation and arousing public unrest among less-informed individuals.

Worse yet, because social media artificially amplifies the most controversial statements, people who would ordinarily be considered mentally unwell or disregarded for making unreasonable claims are given outsized voices that can carry to large audiences.

One individual, who had identified himself as believing the Earth was flat, repeatedly harassed me online by telling me, “Space is fake, therefore, all telescopes are fake!” 

Later, during the Covid-19 pandemic, efforts to reduce the spread of the coronavirus through social distancing, mandatory masking and stay-at-home orders were characterized by others as some kind of vast conspiracy to give the government more control over our lives.

More than 1,900 people have died of Covid in Hawaii since the pandemic began in March 2020, according to the state Health Department. But some would suggest online that number should be zero, claiming that deaths were being faked for federal funding. Others insist that a virus didn’t even exist because, supposedly, scientists weren’t able to identify a virus as being behind the disease, which was an outright lie.

Much like the TMT controversy, these rumors were uniquely targeted at exploiting people’s most basic fears and leveraging them to create strategic disruption and mass unrest during a critical time. We now know that a significant amount of the misinformation about vaccines and pandemic response efforts can be traced back to Russian propaganda being spread online. 

To this day, there are still people who honestly believe that no one has died of Covid, that the pandemic was engineered to undermine former President Donald Trump’s “amazing economic recovery” resulting in him losing his bid for reelection, and that the vaccines were nanomachines that allow the new world order government to track us wherever we go.

(If only the new world order could use that same level of intricate planning and social control to finish the Honolulu rail project! Which reptilian space alien do we need to petition to get that happening?)

Now, with the Maui wildfires, we have people spreading lies and conspiracy theories that space lasers were responsible for the destruction of Lahaina, or that a corporate cabal intentionally set fire to the town in order to build a modern, Waikiki-like tourist hub in its place.

One friend even contacted me last week to sincerely ask if an evil conspiracy was really behind the destruction of Maui. “Of course not,” I told him bluntly. “No conspiracy. It was a fire; we weren’t prepared, we didn’t listen to advance warnings, and it got out of control. End of story.”

Long and the short? This Maui tragedy is so massive and terrible that cognitive dissonance emerges when confronted with the fact that it happened simply because preventative measures weren’t taken by people tasked with keeping residents safe. 

Besides, how could a space laser have scorched Maui? I’m still hung up over the anti-TMT rant about “space is fake, therefore all telescopes are fake” so how can a laser be fired from a place some of you don’t even believe exists? Makes ya think, don’t it?

People would rather believe that an evil cabal with its fingers on a secret space laser caused this tragedy, than deal with the more inconvenient truth that local authorities simply didn’t do enough to keep Maui safe from wildfires.

And why? Because so long as we claim and believe an evil conspiracy rules Hawaii, that self-handicaps us from doing the important civic duty of paying attention, seeking knowledge from accurate sources, and requiring government to be competent.

All of this once more is a convenient tool for disruption and division at a time when the people of Hawaii need to be on the same page when it comes to getting Maui back on its feet and our government able to do its job right. 

Moment of truth: People who believe the Earth is flat and demonic space reptilians are in charge can so easily point the finger at others and excuse themselves from civic engagement. It’s a new form of narcissism to peddle conspiracy and rumor for views, relevance, and attention online.

By contrast, citizens who pay attention, vote reliably, engage in volunteerism, and refuse to accept as the status quo the work of bad government will always hold themselves responsible for the outcomes they experience. 

So, the next time that someone tells you a wild conspiracy, stop them and ask, “Where is that documented? What is the proof? Did you observe that personally or are you just repeating that?” And if they can’t provide anything more than a non sequitur word salad from a buffet of lies, tell them you refuse to entertain this type of discussion. 

The sooner that we make it socially unacceptable to spread unfounded rumors, the sooner we will be accountable to ourselves and others.

Maui’s tragedy happened because the people who should have been paying attention weren’t. Let’s not, as a community, make that mistake even bigger by spreading lies, promoting disinformation, or entertaining conspiracy theories. We need to be clear-minded and truth-sensitive to have a functioning democracy.